your church

the truth must dazzle gradually, or evermore be blind
-emily dickinson

the gradual rising of the sun and the moon, the canter of a horse, the forming of a cloud on a slow wind, the growth of love in two patient hearts. these things dazzle me.

the slow dazzle is alright with me. i tend to be slower in thought and realization anyway. but like all human beings i get impatient - want things now, not later. it’s difficult to see this pause as just a part of the bend and curve in a life being lived. this is the life i had pictured once. i’m slowly forming another picture in my mind. perhaps it will turn out to be the same one. a life of pendleton and morning light, generosity and imperfect rumpled sheets, releasing my needs and realizing most are just fears, favorite shirts and warm after-work greetings, simple interest in the events of eachother’s day, a recounting without fear of judgement or surface humiliation, an ability to be dear friends and also lovers, good mornings and gentle words, kindness and time taken, grace even when there is a lack of effort - or more importantly, grace when there is stubbornness. the mountain, the cabin, the heart. this is my church.


two churches


i can’t help but wonder the differences in my generation and yours. yours seems more kind, more willing to bend so the other won’t break. my generation is so caught up in ourselves, we seem to need to protect our opinions and independence, let no one take advantage of us. it’s a stubbornness that is destroying our ability to connect and be loyal, to work things through without feeling like we’re losing or giving in.

at the end of our last day we’re going to return to the dust we once were, so why are we so fiercely trying to get ahead of one another, even the ones we love. who knows what’s after this life, we can say all we want that we love, that our love is ineffable, that we put others first before ourselves, but i’ve yet to see this. i’ve yet to see two people give up their own wants for the other’s happiness and still be happy. i’ve yet to see two people give up their needs when nothing is promised back to them. in theory mutuality should work. but i’ve never seen it work beyond the point at which all of a sudden it does not. when mutuality breaks, the relationship breaks up. so i’m wondering if mutuality only works when there is loyalty, to eachother and to the decision that led to being in this life together. because without a promise, without loyalty, then why stay in it when it gets too hard. don’t we know that everything will always get to hard? it’s the mantra of life itself. it’s why we have our thumbs. we evolve, we constantly change ourselves, adapt, live. but it seems as if we only change ourselves to better ourselves, not to love another better. to love better may mean sacrifice, it may mean losing a part of the self we protect to make someone else’s day.